Here I Am

Lately, life has a funny way of teaching me things. The life I live is far different from other people’s lives. I have identified my father’s dead body. I have been working since I turned 12. I have been bullied since seventh grade, severely. I have been physically assaulted by bullies, to the point I was afraid of going to school. I have been in an abusive relationship, where I tried for a restraining order, where I was always looking over my shoulder. I have been discriminated against, for being bisexual, for being Latina. I have fought for everything I have in my life. 

The way I see the world is with stone cold realism. I have been on the receiving end of so many cruel intentions. I know how narcissism works. I know what privilege looks like and how people act when they’ve never been at rock bottom. 

I am a busy human. I am constantly going. I don’t get to stop, even if I desperately want too some days. There are too many people counting on me, relying completely on me. That weight is soul-crushing sometimes. I can’t breathe sometimes knowing how much I have to do, with such little time and such high expectations following me. I haven’t had ‘fun’ in years.

Maybe people see me as ‘negative’. Fine. That’s okay. But then again, most people don’t look at their dead father’s body on an autopsy table. They don’t have to provide for their family. They aren’t  on the verge of homelessness. They aren’t watching their grandpa die. They have no idea. Maybe I am negative. Maybe it’s because I had to grow up years ago. 

I try damn hard to please people. This is a fact of my life. I always try to go beyond to make people happy. There are times where I fail at it. There are times where I succeed, but at a personal cost. I have always been this way, since I was a young child, I am a people pleaser. 

Life lately has taught me to love my so-called negativity. It is a gift. I have learned so much from it. I work harder because of it. People who want to assume they know me, based off a few days or weeks of knowing me, have no idea the weight I carry. I carried it with chagrin, I’m not even sure ‘chagrin’ gets the full essence of what I felt. But as of now, I carry it with pride. Now, I realize a lot of people couldn’t handle what I have, and do every day. Do I have hard days? Yes. I cry myself to sleep second guessing the path I’m on. I pray to a God I’m not sure even exists (and if He does, I’m pretty pissed at him) and beg for understanding. Maybe this is Him giving me that understanding. 

So here I am thanking God, or whoever, for my negativity, for this lesson, and even for my tired heart. Here I am praying for a little more patience, and a little more tranquility. Here I am being a grown ass woman and moving on to the next step of my life. 

Til next time.